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Showing posts with the label Monday pick me uppers

Monday Pick Me Upper: Children Bring Smiles

I just had a wonderful weekend with my little brother, my cousin, and my nephew. They're all boys, hence my "weekend with the boys." The condo is a mess - it looks like a hurricane just went through the shoebox. I have had little sleep. I am broke. But I have a huge smile on my face. Now here's your turn to smile. I hope these jokes help make your Monday a little easier. It's true that children brighten up a home. They never turn off the lights. A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen." A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in w

Monday Pick Me Upper: The Office Handbook

I have not seen our handbook yet but I sure hope it doesn't look anything like this: The Office of Non-Compliance Association Employee Handbook Attendance and punctuality: All employees must give at least two weeks notice before calling in sick. ( or maybe have to go get a medical certificate for a brain freezing migraine that downs you for a day?) Appearance/Dress Code: Females: All female employees are required to wear make up and mini skirts. Males : Anything goes! However, you are required to make sure the female dress code is being implemented. Sexual Harassment and Workplace Bullying: Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously. Pay Raises - This is a rumor. Any employee caught spreading this vicious mendacity will be put on immediate suspension. ( ohhh crap...) Maternity Leave: You got pregnant on your time, then be sure to have the baby on your time as well. ( yeah, make sure you go into labor Friday

UP Isaw: Exotic Food?

To some people, maybe, but to those who went to college in UP (or nearby schools), isaw is more like everyday fare. I still remember when I was a freshman. I hated it. I hated the new faces. I hated having to stay in a dorm. I hated the common bathrooms. I hated the noisy jabbering of the people in my wing. I hated having to participate in dorm activities. I hated having to follow the curfew. Most of all, I disdained the food that I had to eat in the dorm cafeteria. But there is one day that I will never forget: the day that I discovered isaw. I had never tasted isaw before that day. As a child, I had a sensitive tummy, and practically anything strange that I ate would send me to bed, wriggling in pain. It would also set off a series of visits to the loo. As such, my parents would always steer me away from "street food" as we call it here. So you can just imagine how much I steered clear of the isaw place in front of Kalayaan, the dorm for freshmen in UP.

Monday Pick Me Upper: Redneck Computer Definitions

My husband's a redneck, and he says that I am the Filipino version. So here is a list of computer terms, defined according to a redneck's perspective. (Thanks to Jokepier .) BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE: Theme’s the fight’s rules down at the local tavern. BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick. BYTE: What your pit bull dun to cousin Metro. CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps. CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker. CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited. DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers. DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer. FAX: What you lie about to the IRS. HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair. KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers. MODEM: What yaw do when the grass gets too high

Monday Pick Me Upper: So Small

I don't feel like posting a joke today, and since I am in a "Carrie Underwood mood," I thought I'd post something inspirational. I really like this song of hers. It helps me put things in perspective. So Small Carrie Underwood What you got if you ain't got love the kind that you just want to give away It's okay to open up go ahead and let the light shine through I know it's hard on a rainy day you want to shut the world out and just be left alone But don't run out on your faith [Chorus] 'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands When you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else seem so small It's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time it's like a river thats so wide it swallows you whole While you sit around thinking about what you can't change and worrying

Monday Pick Me Upper: Feminist Jokes

March is Women's Month so here are some jokes for you wonderful women out there. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Liverpool .' And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- A couple are lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, ' I'll miss you... ' ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' ' Probably that I married you for your money ,' she replied. ----------

MONDAY PICK ME UPPER: Why It's Better to Be a Woman

There's a long list at Cool Funny Jokes . Here are my top picks. We got off the Titanic first. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. We can cry and get off speeding fines. Taxis stop for us. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for di

Monday Pick Me Upper: Corporate Lessons

Got this in an e-mail from a colleague...It's pretty long but it's worth the read. Trust me. ;) Lesson #1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great,&quo

MONDAY PICK ME UPPER: The Wife Translations

In keeping with the spirit of Valentine's Day, here is a post on marriage. Some of these "translations" are quite accurate, if I say so myself. The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to The wife says: I'n not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding s

MONDAY PICK ME UPPER: Two Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette , inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

Monday Pick Me Upper: CRACK!!!

I couldn't help it. I just had to post this picture I saw at Jump in the Ocean . Too morbid? Nah, it's the perfect pick me upper, I think. I am still chuckling...

MONDAY PICK ME UPPER: THE Workstation

Talk about optimizing your time at work! Here's the perfect workstation for those who have to give 4 lessons in a row and do not have time to go to the loo for a break. Perhaps a nicer toilet seat would do the trick for me. More funny pics at http://www.comedy-zone.net/pictures/work/work01.htm

Monday Pick Me Upper: The Beginning

Doing my daily blog rounds on Saturday, I came up with the idea of starting something new in my own blog. Meleah has her Friday Funnies, which never fail to make you laugh. Delaney has her everyday chuckles, wherein you will find funny and beautiful pictures. I thought I would do something to make myself (and hopefully others) be a tad bit happier that it's a Monday. I strongly dislike Mondays. Here I am, it's 9:30 on a Monday morning, after (finally) getting some sleep at around 2 or 3. So this is really more for me than anything else (yeah I have an underlying motive). What's my pick me upper for the week? TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."