Dreamwalker

They say everything happens for a reason. I now think that what has happened in the past months was designed so I could spend some time with my family. In spite of the pain, I think that the results are important. Earlier today, my sister and I had a short talk. We seem to have a lot of these talks nowadays. I guess that's what happens when siblings "grow up". They talk more instead of fight and argue.

Anyhow, today, she mentioned "Patience". You know that song by Guns 'n Roses? When I was in high school, I made it my goal to know the song on the guitar by heart. And boy, did I play it all the time! I loved it because of the melody. I loved the guitar intro. The guitar solo. The whistling.

I am sure I liked the lyrics as well, but thinking about it, I think I have never had to practice patience for real. Until now.

I really am not the most patient person on Earth. I am probably at the bottom of the list, if there were one. These days, though, I am learning about patience and waiting on a different scale. Sometimes, I do not even know what it is that I am waiting for.

With all the turns and ups and downs that my life has gone through in the past months, I can barely trust myself to make sound plans for the near future.

One moment, I think of going to another country in January. Then I realize my finances can't hack it. The next moment, I look at online bachelor degree programs - self-improvement is always a good idea - but then there is not one program that stands out for me. There are so many things going through my mind, so many plans - but which is the right road to take? I have no clue.

This leaves me with the last option: WAITING.

There is that word again. I wait. For what?

I wait for the time when healing comes, the kind that allows one to make sound, rational plans. I wait for the time…

For some reason, tonight, I decided to go back and read my old blog posts. I went back to 2009 and 2010, when I was going through the toughest time in my life. 2009 seemed bad, but there were good moments. Post after post, I found myself rediscovering something I didn't realize I had lost in 2011: the simple joys of life.

I got caught up in new and exciting things, yes. I was happy for the most part, yes! But what I didn't realize - until now - is that I was in the process of creating a new me. In spite of a broken marriage and an even more broken heart, I was going through life like I had never done before.

The tone of my writing, the words, the photos - all of them reflected a person who was living life the best she could. Somehow, along the way, I got sidetracked.

The good thing is that I have these realizations now, and they give me something that pushes me to get through this (once again) tough time in life. I may be in the rut. I may have different (or not-so-different) …

I was finally able to move out last Friday. That day was one of the worst and most exciting days - at the same time, yes - I have ever had. I had to see my little shoebox devoid of all the things I have accumulated over the years. I had to lug my stuff to another place where I will be staying for a while. I had to come to terms with the fact that it was the end of a chapter in my life.

So I am now officially homeless. A hobo. A nomad. A wanderer.

Well, not quite. I still have a roof above my head, thanks to good friends who welcomed me with open arms.

I do realize that there is so much uncertainty ahead of me. Still, there are some constants in my life. I do have a stable career. At least I do not have to worry about this aspect of my life, although I have to admit health care careers do sound interesting and lucrative. I do have my friends and family who support me in what I am doing.

Life is full of uncertainties, but it is good; and with uncertainties come adventure. I am…

The last couple of months have been the best of my life. Contrary to what I thought about a year ago, I was happy and was enjoying myself like I never thought I would. Then life reminded me of something: it's not always a party. Sometimes you have to take a step back and analyze what you have done and what you want to do.

I ran across a web site called The Unclutterer - sort of a self help site, which I am normally averse to, but this one presented the idea of "Things you won't do again lists." You know all about bucket lists - things you want to do before you die. The kind of list I am about write is of the opposite nature - things I won't do again. Since I do tend to have a potty mouth, though, I am going to use a different name - My Own Frak List. I wrote about this on Forever Geek, but with a geek slant, of course.

So here goes nothing. Welcome to my Frak List. Things I will never do again.
Drink till I get sick. This has happened to me only three time…

Three decades into my life, and I am beginning to think that life is a series of crossroads. Countless times, we find ourselves having to make decisions - some of them minor, some of them gigantic. Decision-making is a scary thing. In many cases, you hold a certain power over your future, and you don't want to make even the tiniest slip.
I think, however, that worse than having to make a decision is having to wait at the crossroads. I have always thought that when you find yourself in this position, you have to act immediately. I think that's the control freak in me.
These past months, I am learning something else about being at the crossroads: sometimes, you just have to sit still and wait. And for me, that can be much worse than having to make a decision.
Last weekend, I found myself at the crossroads in two different aspects of my life. I took different paths.
In one aspect, I went ahead and made my move. I am going to experience a major change in my life. It is scar…

So I am getting back to my old habits, right? One of them is reading. I've always been a bookworm, but I have always leaned towards fantasy and magic.
When a friend visited last month, she adamantly told me to read this "really good book" titled Eat, Pray, Love. For the life of me, I could never get the title of the book right. I would ask for it in the book store and say "Love, Eat, or something" (and some other weird combinations). I couldn't even remember the author. Needless to say, I had a difficult time getting my hands on a copy.
After a couple of weeks of searching, I forgot all about the book. Then last weekend, I went to Fully Booked to get my mom a Mother's Day present. As I was paying for her book, I suddenly caught a glimpse of this colorful book cover on the shelf behind the counter. It said "Eat, Pray, Love."
And just like that, I found the book.
I haven't gone past the first part - when Elizabeth Gilbert (that's …

They say pictures paint a thousand words. I'll let the picture do the talking.

I hope you'll have the chance to reflect this Holy Week.

I started reading Philip Yancey's "What's So Amazing About Grace" at the beach last weekend. One chapter into the book and I was almost wishing that I didn't bring it with me.
What it keeps on saying is true. Grace leads to forgiveness, and that is the most unnatural act for us human beings. We yearn for justice. We yearn for payment for doing wrong. At least when we are the wronged party. And yet when we look back to what God has done for us, we cannot help but be humbled by the fact that he has doled out his grace to us. He has forgiven us for something more than anyone can ever to do us.
Throughout my stay at the beach, I experienced grace in subtle ways.
The perfect beach weather - warm sun, calm seas, relaxing ambiance. All these combined made me feel and realize that there is no choice but to show the same grace that has been given me.
The kind people around me. All of them - except my cousin - I didn't know but the whole stay was just a laid bac…

I have been trying to make it a habit to start my day right by reading the Bible and praying. So far so good, and I have to say that it helps in getting things right during the day.
The other day, the meditation was about looking at what you value rather than what things cost. I do not know if I got it right, but the way it hit me, I thought about materialism, values, and things/people that are precious to you. I thought about how sometimes, you just find yourself wanting something so much that you end up throwing away those things that you value.
I guess it happens to the best of us. The world has so much to offer that there are times when we just throw caution to the wind (not always a bad thing, I think) and forget everything else.
What I am hoping now is that I do not end up doing the wrong thing just because I want something so badly. I also hope that I fully realize and understand what I really value in my life and not let go of them. Oh and there's one more wish...bu…

Not everyone is comfortable with change. A good friend kept telling me that last week. I never really understood that idea. While I am a creature of habit, I do long for change every now and then. For one, going through the same old things every single day bores me. I think that only through change can we experience more than what we've been used to.
Change is not always easy. Sometimes, things change just when we don't want them to; THEN, I become fidgety and cranky, especially when the change makes me feel as if I have lost control. I can't sleep (mind on overdrive) and I get dark circles around eyes - who doesn't?
Then again, at the end of it all, we see the effects that change brings. More often than not - at least in my experience - I end up learning new things and find myself even enjoying what the change has brought about.
Change is not easy, but we don't have to make it more painful that it has to be.

Friday night, we went to the nth going away party of our boss. As usual, it was a blast. I learned something: there are times when you have to let go of yourself and just "go back to the earth." I understand the first part, but for the life of me, I do not know what going back to the earth means.
Maybe it has something to do with letting all your stress melt away? I can see the benefits of that: I won't need a massage once a week (or more!)I won't need to spend tons on the best acne cleansers I won't need to pop painkillers like they were candyBut how do you do that? I have some ideas: Go on trips regularly (once a month, go on a weekender)Don't work too much (hmmm, maybe not possible)Don't think too much (definitely improbable)The general consensus that night: enjoy yourself, get so drunk that you don't remember what happened the night before. Now that's something I have never ever done! No matter what I do, I just can't do it!
Still, Fri…

I just finished reading today's devotional (Daily Bread) and I feel much better. Some say religion is a crutch, and maybe to a certain extent that is true. I think, though, that it's more than that for me. Faith keeps me going. It keeps me from going crazy about what tomorrow may bring. This passage really struck home:
Entering a new year is like entering uncharted territory. The fear of the unknown could cripple our capacity to follow God’s leading through the days ahead. Yet, like Abraham, when we cling to the One who knows all things, we’re in good hands—regardless of where He leads.

I don't know what the new year brings. I am determined to make it a great one and not worry about the "could be's." After all, no one is really certain about tomorrow. Tomorrow, I could get sick and have to worry about mesothelioma treatments. Next week, I could be out of a job. Next month, I could be on my way halfway around the world. But why worry about these thing…

I was reading this earlier, and I just knew I had to share it. There are people who need this kind of encouragement - you know who you are. :)

Early Light Devotional - In Touch Ministries - Dr. Charles Stanley 2009

John 16:28-33

Is it possible to be at peace when you have just received a “pink slip”? When your 16-year-old daughter discovers that she is pregnant? When your spouse says, “I don’t want to be married anymore”?

Is it possible to be at peace when you fall into a deep depression? Yes! God’s peace is available no matter how painful and hopeless your situation seems.

Peace is not gained by manipulating circumstances. Sometimes people think that if they could just rearrange their situation a bit, then life would be wonderful. That kind of self-reliance is both foolish and unbiblical. Fixing a problem outside of the Lord’s will might result in temporary calm, but lasting peace will continue to be elusive.

A tranquil heart is the result of trusting the Lord, no matter how messy life ge…

I think it's called pruning. At least that's the word that got stuck in my head after the message at church today. Merriam-Webster says:
Prune: a: to reduce especially by eliminating superfluous matter.
Got me thinking...I have got a lot of "superfluous matters" in my life. Maybe it's high time that I got rid of them, and I honestly think that it IS happening. I didn't want it to happen, but here I am nonetheless; and while I still am unsure and unclear as to what exactly is superfluous and what is not (I just might have a different definition), all I can do is focus on what is clear to me.
Don't you just love it when you get these pensive moments and you feel that you're getting something out of them?

My memories of Charlie Chaplin are hazy at best, but this Glee cover of his song will forever be clear in my mind.
Today, I am promising myself to: Focus on the tasks in front of me.Lean on the only One who can give me the peace I need.Not allow external circumstances to throw me off balance.SMILE. I know who I am. At the end of the day, my conscience is CLEAR. No one can take away my self-worth. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel, and when I get there, it will be more than I am expecting.

I think I have posted this song - or about it - a couple of times already. I have to say that it has not meant this much to me until now. Indeed, there are certain things in life that you have to learn, that you have to go through; and unless you go through the whole process, you will not get what you need.

I know I am still at the beginning of this process, and it is not easy. But I am not going to lose my faith and my resolve, which I am starting to just re-discover...



One day, I know things will turn out the way they are supposed to. For now, I cling to Him who knows best.

Younger kids will recognize this song from American Idol or Glee. People my age - or older - will know the Journey version. Whichever version you know, there is no denying that this song is a powerful one, both in words and music.
I finally watched Glee last night, after hearing everyone rave about it. To be honest, I find the plot a little "half-baked," as Hannah says it. There are too many stereotypes. Still, the overall effect of the show is to make you feel GOOD!


Glee - Don't Stop Believe
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Don't stop believing, guys. There are so many good things in life - you just have to take the time to SEE them.
P.S. It's a Tuesday but it felt like a Monday to me, hence this pick me upper.

I just posted something on being at peace and shopping...not that the two have anything to do with each other...anyway, I have been spending a lot of time at the mall lately, not because I really want to but I pass by it going home. I never really realized just how much things have changed since I was in college and used to hang out at this mall all the time! There are still so many cardboard displays but there are more hi-tech tools that each store uses. You can't help but be overwhelmed by the visual input around you.

Speaking about input...I also am thinking about the input that we get from the people that surround us. It really is very important to surround yourself with GOOD people; friends who will help you see that truth and the good in life; friends who will not be afraid to tell you off if you are going down the wrong path; friends who will not hesitate to tell you if you are making a fool of yourself. Even better, these friends still support you whatever you decide t…

You can talk all you want about taking it one step at a time, day by day, but you will never really know what it means until you have to do it.
When you have to struggle each minute to control your thoughts;
when you struggle every minute to rein in your emotions;
when you have to grab yourself by the back of your neck every single second, just so you can function and stop thinking about things that you can't change...then you know what "one step at a time" really means.
Now I have a different perspective of why people pray. We pray because we leave our circumstances to a higher power, to God. We pray because we know that no matter what we do, we can't change anything. We pray because we want to stay (semi?) functional while time does its magic. We pray because it is the only thing standing between us and the unthinkable.
It's 6:38 a.m. I have approximately 15 hours of "day" ahead of me. That's 900 minutes; that's 54,000 seconds. It is an…