After a long period of down time at work, things have started to pick up. I was just teasing one of my colleagues the other because he said he was so bored at work. I told him to relax for once because you never know when things would get hectic again. True enough, it happened today. I am soooo tired and I didn't even finish everything that I had planned on doing. I wish there were more hours in a day...
Last night, I found myself staring at the dark sky through our small bedroom window. For some reason, I could not sleep despite the late hour. I found myself thinking about how lately, I have been yearning for something more.
I want to have a bigger home.
I wish my husband would act more like his age.
I wish that the atmosphere at work was less complicated.
I want to have more trips.
I could go on and on.
Yet as I was lying there thinking about these things, I also realized that I already have a lot and instead of wanting more, maybe I should focus on what I have. Perhaps that would make me feel better.
I have a comfortable home filled with things that I need.
I have a husband who loves me and who tries his best to live up to my expectations.
I have a job that allows me to have a reasonably good lifestyle and still fulfill my responsibilities.
I get to have vacations at least twice a year.
I guess it really is just a matter of perspective, isn't it?
Sometimes I just can't help but wonder about the future. There are so many things that we do not know, even those things that perhaps we should know. Whatever the reason that things are hidden from us at the present, I believe that we should prepare for what the future holds. The maxim expect the unexpected is imprinted so strongly in my mind.
Take this friend of mine, who lives in Chicago. She was just on her way home when a car going the opposite way went out of control. Her car got hit and she was seriously injured. Lucky for her, a Chicago accident attorney was able to help her get adequate compensation. I have another friend who suddenly lost his job. Lucky for him he had some savings to tide him over.
I am so morose tonight it sucks...planning for the future sucks...
I am listening to music while working on some things and the song "Realize" by Colbie Caillat (thanks, Vicki!) just played. Listening to the lyrics has made me really pensive...
That's what the cab driver told me earlier on the way to work. This was his comment when we saw another motorist being pulled over by a traffic enforcer. His rationale was that instead of being made to undergo the tedious process of paying a fine and retrieving one's license, motorists should just give the traffic enforcers or cops money - 50 pesos.
It might have been an innocuous comment but as I sat there thinking about it, I realized that that is how many people think. And it is probably why corruption is rife in this country. From the "common person" to the people high up in positions - if they accept this kind of thinking, then we are doomed.
That is, unless individuals like you and me start thinking differently.
Jer just said that to me. Followed by "Then you have to stop working and maybe then I can talk to my wife."
I feel kinda guilty because I stay at work all day and then come home late at night only to write. We talk while I work but I guess it's not enough. Then again, I have to work.
I don't want to stop in 10 minutes but I will.
I thought that I have been "citified" for good but each time I get back to the city from the beach, I just can't help but think that I have had enough of the city. This is even truer now that you can have all the amenities that you need at the beach. For me, that is basically Internet access.
Once again, I find myself thinking of ways to be able to leave the city and live the rural life. I hope that I can figure out things.
I heard about The Four Agreements from Avril (her blog, to be exact). Though I have never heard of this publication before, the ideas presented in the four points are not really new. However, reading through them, I was once again reminded of certain principles that I believe in. I thought I'd share The Four Agreements here, courtesy of Don Miguel Ruiz:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Easy to read and say BUT practicing these things might be a whole different story altogether.
I remember what Livi said one time - there are no compromises, you only have to learn to choose your battles.
How do you know which battle to take on? How do you know when you have to let go? Does it apply when you firmly believe in what you are pushing for?
Sometimes I just feel so tired of hanging on. Sometimes I feel that I should just take the easy way out and let things go down the drain.
I love the rain, I really do. But only when I am not obliged to get out of the house. Only when I can stay in my warm bed with a good book and a cup of steaming coffee. Only when I can cook a potful of sinigang and sip the hot broth.
Today I hate the rain. Try waiting for a tricycle for 15 minutes. Try riding one - even for just a short while - with the wind blowing in the rain. Try waiting for a cab for another 15-20 minutes while all the cars and jeeps that pass by get you wet because they do not care.
I hate the rain even more because we are supposed to go to the beach this weekend. If it does not stop raining, we might have to cancel our plans AND I don't like the thought of that.
I am whining...blame it on the rain!
Photo courtesy of Harpagornis - isn't it beautiful?
It's weird how coincidences can happen in life. According to Jason Bourne, you should not believe in coincidences. They always mean something and it is up to you to find out what it means. (At least I think it's Bourne who said that...P)
Well last night, we were getting ready to leave for the city after a nice weekend in Los Banos. Dad just picked a pastor up from the airport because he was going to hold a series of seminars in out church. As it turned out, he is the husband of an old family friend of ours. She used to be the secretary in the school where Mom worked. So the pastor called his wife up and gave the phone to Mom.
She wanted to talk to me so Mom told me to get up and get the mobile phone from her. Since I was playing Wii (yeah we brought it home), I was mouthing "No, I don't even really remember much of her!"
THEN Mark whispered - "Hey, it's an iPhone!"
Of course, Noe jumped up to grab the phone. "Hi!"
It was kinda anti-climactic...I used an iPhone but I didn't really fiddle with it too much.
What struck me more, actually, were the memories that came up when my mom's friend talked to me. She asked me if I remember her and suddenly, I had this image of a nice little piece of felt paper cut out in my name. It had a white bunny on the left side and had glitters all over. I remember her making it for me when I was in first grade or thereabouts.
Isn't it amazing how coincidences can make your heart jump and take you back in time all in one fell swoop?
Just another quickie. We just got home from Laguna and we are pooped. We left for Los Banos last night around 11:30pm and got there around 1am or 2am. We then had to get up early (relatively) and then go to Irvin's birthday party. It was fun - Jer stuck to his 2 beers! Lots of fun pics, which I will post tomorrow.
Some thoughts - I miss my family (immediate and extended) and I don't realize it till we spend time together. Then again, I think the current arrangements are great because sometimes, family time is best when they come in small doses. It was great to spend time with my cousins, aunts, and grandma. I don't know if I am being *evil* for feeling thing way. Have you ever felt that way?
I can't wait till next weekend when we go to Puerto Galera. It should be fun. Now it's time for bed.
No it's not a serious post. It's just that I have been sitting here for hours writing and playing Farm Frenzy while watching Jer have fun playing the video game he bought from the PSN Store. Titled Pain, the game involved throwing guys from a giant slingshot. I don't quite get the objective of the game but it's kinda weird hearing guys scream from pain and at the same time hear my husband giggle like a kid.
And you wonder why certain groups abhor violent video games?
The name Dylan should be familiar enough. Jakob Dylan is the son of rock icon Bob Dylan. He is better known, though, as the front man for the band The Wallflowers.
I have been listening to their album Bringing Down the Horse and as old as it may be (it was released in 1996), I still can't stop listening to it. A lot of the songs are depressing and yet there are some that just make you want to sing along. I think Jakob Dylan's a genius just like his dad was (is).
I keep hearing these lines from One Headlight in my head:
Too old to be wild and free still
Too young to be over the hill
Should I try to grow up
But who knows where to start
Sun comes up and sun sinks down
And I seen 'em both in this tourist town
Up for days in a rage
Just tryin' to search my soul
From the answers and the reasons why
I'm at these crossroads in my life
And I really don't know
Which way to go
(From Kenny Chesney's Beer in Mexico)
We were not really planning on going out this weekend but we went anyway. After all, it was for a good cause. Last week, we heard about a young woman named Tara who got shot in the head while riding a jeepney on the way home. It was the eve of her birthday. A man held her up in the jeep, grabbed her bag, and shot her. She is still in the hospital and is fighting for her survival. Her friends have organized a series of concerts to help with the medical expenses.
She was Angelique's student at Assumption and when she asked us to go to the gig tonight, we decided to drop by for a bit. We only got to watch one band (Matilda) but we had a fine time hanging out with Angelique and Bruce. Jeannie, a colleague, was also there.
Anyhow, the whole thing got me thinking. I know that the city streets are not 100% safe, especially at night. Still, it was not this bad a year or so back. We have always had robberies and muggings. Heck, Jerry was even mugged in Makati. However, people didn't normally get shot. People didn't kill for money.
Just the other day, we were watching the news and we saw a woman who got killed when an FX was robbed. Is the situation in the Philippines really that bad?
Country music lovers would probably recognize that line from a popular song (which I had never heard of until Jerry introduced it to me). This is exactly how I have been feeling for the past few days and I don't understand why. I guess I really am getting old.
We have not been getting much sleep for the past weeks and I have been feeling like shit. And even if I wake up at noon, I don't feel any better. Maybe it's because we've been going to bed early in the morning?
I was just thinking the other night - after I turned 25, things started to really go downhill. It used to be that I could stay up for several nights without sleeping at all. It used to be that I could go out during the week and still be up in time for work without feeling any different.
Now, I have to make sure that when I go out during the week, I have to go home around 1 or 2. Otherwise, I would be missing out on a day's work. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I don't want to be old and boring!!!
We have been on a MacGyver rush for the past few weeks and over the weekend, we watched a few episodes of the first season. We are aiming to finish the whole series within the next few months.
Anyway, as I am sitting here this morning just thinking, I am realizing a few things. We can actually learn life lessons from MacGyver. Like that episode where he was inside a car in a junkyard. He was trapped and had nowhere to go, no way to get out. The machines that crushed the cars were in operation and ready to get the car Mac was in.
The average person would have panicked or maybe would have crouched in a corner and waited for the inevitable to happen. Not Mac. He kept his wits about him and somehow got into the trunk and forced his way out.
Don't you sometimes feel trapped in the same manner? With time running out and nowhere to go (seemingly), do you panic or simply give up? Ask yourself, what would MacGyver do? ;)
(LOL, or maybe, what would Chuck Norris do?)
I know that doing this is not really productive. There is no point in going back in time (mentally, at least) and wondering what could have happened if only I did things differently. I can't help it, though. Sometimes, I just can't stop myself from wondering.
What if I had summoned enough motivation to go back to ECE? Would I have been an engineer now? (And so what if I were one, by the way?)
What if I had stuck to my direction/purpose in life back then? Would I have been more fulfilled spirituality?
What if I had practiced my profession? Would I have been better off?
Oh the what ifs of life. Sometimes I think that I should have been more cautious. I should have been more purpose driven. I should have known better.
Then again, who is to say that my life would have been better if I had chosen different paths in the past?
Time to forget about the what ifs and deal with the "what now?"
I have been told that I think too much. I never really thought otherwise and it doesn't really bother me. I like thinking.
Sometimes I think about whether other people are just like me; whether they get lost in thought for hours on end. I think I found my answer in this book - The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
I only found out about this book an hour or so ago. I was browsing my friends' blog when I saw Livi's entry which had this line: "We accept the love we think we deserve."
Considering the day that I have been having, it is but understandable that my mind went on overdrive again. I then searched for the source of that quote and discovered The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I haven't gotten far in the book. One thing I know - this kid, Charlie, thinks like nothing else but I bet his mind can't keep up with mine right now. So we accept the love we think we deserve, huh?
