The warmth of the sun. The cool breeze. The faintest smell of books.
I was very much in my element earlier as I sat on the steps of the Main Library of my University. It was also the place where I spent the last 3 years of college. I felt like I was home.
Maybe it's because I wasn't facing the issues I am facing now. Maybe it's because of the smell of books, they really comfort me. Maybe it was the trees, the calm environment.
Whatever the reason, I was able to spend some time thinking about the major things that have been bothering me.
I realized that I am not as "perfect" as I sometimes think I am. Take note that I put that word in between quotation marks. I do have a lot of faults; as a wife, as a sister, as a daughter. I can only trust in those who love and care for me to help me open my eyes to those faults.
I realized that I need to learn to let go. Quite hard for me, but it is necessary for relationships to work. At the same time, I need to be firm and stick to my beliefs. Otherwise, I will end up losing myself.
I realized that I need to go through with my plans, but take things one day at a time. One step at a time. I have always wanted to become a librarian. Today, I got to take the first step. I won't be one for years, I think, but at least I am moving in that direction.
Walking clears the mind. I walked around campus for over an hour, aching feet, blisters, buckets of sweat and all. A massage was justified, don't ya think? Anyhow, that gave me more time and opportunity to prolong my pensive mood. As I relaxed while the masseuse kneaded the knots away, I had some more realizations.
Just because you change in a certain way under certain circumstances does not mean that your partner changes in the same way. Love and affection can diminish as much as it can grow stronger. You can never take these things for granted, and only by nurturing these emotions can you ensure a lasting and fulfilling relationship. And even then, that is not really guaranteed, I think.
Lastly, I think I have finally accepted the fact that there are things that I cannot control, but that I can control how I behave and how I deal with these things. It does not mean that I am condoning things and behavior that I do not agree with, but it does mean that I will try not to flip out when I feel myself spiraling out of control.
Oh, and to cap this post off with a little magic, here's a quote from one of the episodes of Charmed:
"The One is the person who sees you for the idiot that you are and still loves you."
Tell me about it!