Monday, April 6, 2009

Monday Pick Me Upper: The Office Handbook

I have not seen our handbook yet but I sure hope it doesn't look anything like this:

The Office of Non-Compliance Association Employee Handbook

Attendance and punctuality: All employees must give at least two weeks notice before calling in sick. (or maybe have to go get a medical certificate for a brain freezing migraine that downs you for a day?)

Appearance/Dress Code:

Females: All female employees are required to wear make up and mini skirts.

Males: Anything goes! However, you are required to make sure the female dress code is being implemented.

Sexual Harassment and Workplace Bullying: Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.

Pay Raises - This is a rumor. Any employee caught spreading this vicious mendacity will be put on immediate suspension. (ohhh crap...)

Maternity Leave: You got pregnant on your time, then be sure to have the baby on your time as well. (yeah, make sure you go into labor Friday night, give birth in a few hours, and be back on your feet by Monday, just in time for work!)

Note: Spiritual or magical paraphernalia trinkets desperately used to ward off wicked bosses, will not be tolerated in the office.

Our Company Definitions and Terms

Taking Ownership - Being accused of faults and errors as management sees fit. Management is never wrong.

Multi Tasking - Perform multi-jobs at the same exact time equivalent to 3 employees without complaining. (that's performing at 300%)

Meeting Deadlines - Working after hours to meet unrealistic goals assigned by management without overtime pay.

Taking Initiative - Bending backwards without recognition, while someone else takes credit.

Constructive Criticism - Management humiliating employee because employee got ahead of themselves and made management insecure.

Team Work - Picking up the slack for absentee or non-productive colleagues.

Eager to Please - Must be able to read the boss' mind, brown nose, and inform management with all employee conspiracies.

Company Benefit Package

Carpal Tunnel Syn.

Nightmares/Insomnia

Acquired taste for Alcohol (not that anyone minds)

Suicidal Thoughts

Flat Tires/Key Scatches

Emotional Meltdown

Paranoia/Hallucinations

Stomach Ulcers

* One year's prescription of Zoloft and Prozac


Note: At this present time our company handbook is incomplete due to poor management. Please check back periodically for an update version. Policies are subject to change with out notice to employees. Thank you.

The Office of Non-Compliance Association 2006 - 2007

www.Officemisery.com ©Copyright

Why do I have a sinking feeling...why do these things seem so familiar??? Have a good week ahead of you!!!

1 comment:

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